What do i want to do with my life?

The question that is driving me crazy in the past year, and for the next year i will be a new mum to a new baby and it will still drive me crazy.

Do i want to open a restaurant?

Do i want to be a software tester as i am?

Do i want to study cooking?

Do i want to study human nutrition and be health adviser?

Do i want to work in a bakery?

Do i have no dreams and just want money?

Do i want to be a writer?

Do i want to be a teacher?

i totally dont know and don’t know how can i know.

Any Help ?!

 

4 weeks

Today my baby is 4 weeks, the most pure and easy kind of love i ever knew, the kind of live that makes me feel happy when i wake 3 times in the middle of the night and stay awake for a hour each time and when i look at his face .. It all worth it for me.

My baby boy is 4 weeks old and i feel that i never knew life without him and i feel that i was born to be his mummy and be there for him.

I never felt that way about being a house wife or a mum .. But i do now .. I feel that they are amazing things although i am still searching for something for myself.

I feel frustrated when he is sad and i would do anything to fix all of his issues.

I love having a child although it is a terrifying thing but totally rewarding and totally worth it, it fills the heart in a new way.

Ofcourse there are the i hate my life moments, but they pass fastly and i pray they stop coming at all, Hormons are any girls worst friend !

That is it for now !

Have a nice day πŸ™‚

My giving birth Story – Giving Birth in the Netherlands

Hello,

So i gave birth, excatly Β 3 weeks ago, on 29/3/2016.

It was a very big day and it was a huge huge deal, i was having back labour, i didn’t know that it was back labour and i really believed i was having some colon issues or the baby moves hurt my back so i kept silenced until i called my midwife at 7:30 in the morning.

She was delivering another baby, so she was late and she came 9:30, she checked me, i was 7 cm dialated, me and my husband were sure that it was false labour, but to our amusment it was real, we were having the baby.

We went to the hospital and i changed and i was fully dialated, and the pain was ok, it was handable, then they said it was back labout and i have no contractions in my uterus so they had to give me something to make the contractions more so it would reach my stomache and help the baby move down.

I was begging for an epidural, i was crying for it, but it was too late, and they refused to give me any drugs, i really want to ask a dr or to search to know, why can’t a woman have any medicine after she is fully dialated?

Anyway, they asked the nurse to put the IV, and they couldn’t find my viens for a long time i guess it was 30-45 mins, they put it in.

I was screaming and the asked me Β to breathe but no one can imagine how much it is painful and hard, i really didnt know how to push and i was so embaressed and didn’t want my husband to see anything and i just wanted him to stay next to my head and not seeing anything because really it must be a horrific show.

Then he was born, and it was amazing, all the pain stopped or became unnoticable, he was bruised a little bit, but they said it is normal.

I hugged him for 2 hours and really hugging a just born baby can heal every broken thing inside you.

and i’ll continue later ! πŸ˜€

Bye πŸ˜€

 

A new project

So i am making a new project, i have been working on it for the last 2 months, i am making my own health and fitness blog, it will be all about the articles that i want to write and the ideas that i want to share.

Dealing with a personal project while having a baby is a big big deal that i wish i can fullfill because i need my personal project.

wish me luck and stay tuned for it !

11- I love my baby

So i am in the last month of my pregnancy, i feel tried and in pain, i feel like a mess, i feel fat, i feel ugly.

but i love my baby, i adore him, i want him to come safely and i want it to be over so i can enjoy having him in my life and seeing life through his eyes.

The greatest sucess of all is to be a parent to your kids, a real best friend, a shoulder to cry on and a back to support, this is my new definition of success and that is what i want to be.

They say women should not define themselves as mothers or wives, but i will and i do, because it is a previelge to have this kind of influence over some’s life, specially if he is someone you love.

The greatest thing a woman can be is to be a home maker, she shouldn’t forget herself or her needs in the process but this is the greatest she can be, to be the thread that brings they whole family together and the best friend of them all.

I love my husband and i love my baby and i am so happy i got the chance to be in thier lives.

Thank Allah πŸ™‚

 

 

10- Being pregnant sucks

So now i am in week 35 and i think i am depressed, and people are stupid.

I dont want people telling me that it will be ok or what so ever, because they dont know, no body knows.

I am scared of dying during labour, so much scared of it, and i am terrified of labour itself specially that i cannot reach a pain relief option that i feel is a great one.

I dont want it with epidural and i dont want it without epidural.

I have bad back pains, bad stomach pains, and my colon is dying.

I cant believe that i am pregnant and i cant believe that i will have a child.

I really cant believe, i love him but i cannot grasp the idea itself.

And the people are stupid and they are making me more angry and depressed by saying everything will be ok, or that everyone does it.

People are doing everything everyday , people are dying every day, so everyone does it is not a good thing to be said.

And giving birth is messy, and it has a 100 different senarios, no matter how i think or read, it is not enough

Nothing is enough.

And i am not ok.

9- Driving them away.

I lost many of my friends lately, i feel that you are always filtering your close friends, and i have learned a skill for them to hate me and go away without or with drama but without feeling that they have to stay.

When i just feel that some friendship is totally wrong, i stay away, i take a decision to end it, and push the person away, by then they start to see me as a bad friend, but then it’s easier for them to go away, sometimes they wanna talk and wanna fix it, i don’t say no, but i start showing them that it won’t work out.

By then they just end it and i feel relieved really i do, and also with for them to delete or block me and then stay away in peace.

I don’t know if it is a bad way or a good way but they go away feeling that it is thier decision to go and that i am a worthless friend, and those feelings makes it better for people to accept that a friendship is ended.

Generally people don’t accept the end of a friendship as the end of a relationship, i don’t know why, specially because friendships end too, and people grow away and apart and people change so it can happen, but people won’t accept it except when i do what i do.

Human relationship is always so complicated.

8- I Am Pregnant !

So as i said before, i am pregnant, and it is the most confusing experience ever ! i really need to write tons about it, but at the same time i don’t want to!

Pregnant women feel the thing and its opposite in the same time, so those days i am so angry, so sad, so tired, so happy, so joyful, so loving people and so hating them, yeah this is actually what i always feel.

I always try to avoid to cry, if something is so amazing, i cry, if something is so bad i cry, i am so hungry and so not hungry, i am so sleepy and i am sick of sleeping.

I’m now 31 weeks, so we are counting down !

But i actually don’t believe it, i don’t believe that in 2 months i will push a human being out of my belly, where will i find the strength to do that? how will i do that? how will i be fine after it? there will be a new person, OMG, it is terrifying !

Pregnancy is not all joyful and nice, not at all, it is a hard time that prepares you for a harder time, don’t get me wrong i love my son, so much, but i know it is hard and i am trying to accept it not to deny it.

This is all aside, the people are the hardest thing about this all, really, they make me angry all the time, i don’t know if it is the hormones or it’s them, but i am away from home and i really wanted a baby shower, but i got presents from mum, auntie, my sister, my brother, my cousins and a friend of mine, only those, i believe if i knew a friend who will have her baby alone overseas i would sent her a gift, but they are all not amazing about this, i know i shouldn’t be selfish and think like that, but presents is something amazing for a pregnant woman specially if it is something that she needs and wants.

Also people interfere alot ! they keep saying you gained weight, you lost weight, you look bad, you look weird, you look good, you carry low it should be a girl, no a boy, you shouldn’t or you should eat, every woman or girl you know will try to give you advice, it’s because people are good heartened and want the best but hearing everything and it’s opposite from people will drive a pregnant woman to hell.

Pregnant women have so much hormones, so so much emotions, so the need all the positive cute nice energy you can give them, they don’t need advises because doctors and midwives and here for that and they don’t need people lecturing them, they need positive nice support, that is it !

The worst feeling in the world is that i am gaining weight and Turing into a whale and all people are telling me i look so tired that i will faint now, although i don’t, what should i do? what can i do if my health care people say i am OK? nothing i can do so don’t make me feel bad about myself, not more than i already feel.

Other than the emotional dilemmas and the mood swings i am ok generally, and here in the Netherlands the health care is OK so i am a little bit optimistic about it all, i just wish to find a room in the hospital when i give birth and i really wish for epidural so much.

enough said for now.

Wait for more babbling from the pregnant lady ! πŸ˜€ lol

7- I Need a job

I truly really need a job, i’m so desperate that i would work as anything now, cashier maybe anything.

All the testing and IT jobs i found needed dutch or didn’t suit me.

And i am still learning dutch.

So anyone have any job for a girl who lives in Haarlem and speak 2 languages (Arabic & English) ?

Any suggestions?

Help !

6- Amsterdam light festival

On the last weekend me and my beloved husband had our first wedding anniversary, so we decided to go to Amsterdam and see the festival of light for the first time together.

It was really really really nice πŸ˜€

I put many pictures here, we walked alot and road a bus, a train and a metro to reach there and back but it was totally worth it πŸ˜€

it’s simple yet creative and nice and had many ideas that we really liked.

The map and all the details are on this website

http://www.amsterdamlightfestival.com

And here are the pictures that i took, i’m not much of a photographer but i always like to seize the moment πŸ˜€

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