10- Being pregnant sucks

So now i am in week 35 and i think i am depressed, and people are stupid.

I dont want people telling me that it will be ok or what so ever, because they dont know, no body knows.

I am scared of dying during labour, so much scared of it, and i am terrified of labour itself specially that i cannot reach a pain relief option that i feel is a great one.

I dont want it with epidural and i dont want it without epidural.

I have bad back pains, bad stomach pains, and my colon is dying.

I cant believe that i am pregnant and i cant believe that i will have a child.

I really cant believe, i love him but i cannot grasp the idea itself.

And the people are stupid and they are making me more angry and depressed by saying everything will be ok, or that everyone does it.

People are doing everything everyday , people are dying every day, so everyone does it is not a good thing to be said.

And giving birth is messy, and it has a 100 different senarios, no matter how i think or read, it is not enough

Nothing is enough.

And i am not ok.

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9- Driving them away.

I lost many of my friends lately, i feel that you are always filtering your close friends, and i have learned a skill for them to hate me and go away without or with drama but without feeling that they have to stay.

When i just feel that some friendship is totally wrong, i stay away, i take a decision to end it, and push the person away, by then they start to see me as a bad friend, but then it’s easier for them to go away, sometimes they wanna talk and wanna fix it, i don’t say no, but i start showing them that it won’t work out.

By then they just end it and i feel relieved really i do, and also with for them to delete or block me and then stay away in peace.

I don’t know if it is a bad way or a good way but they go away feeling that it is thier decision to go and that i am a worthless friend, and those feelings makes it better for people to accept that a friendship is ended.

Generally people don’t accept the end of a friendship as the end of a relationship, i don’t know why, specially because friendships end too, and people grow away and apart and people change so it can happen, but people won’t accept it except when i do what i do.

Human relationship is always so complicated.

8- I Am Pregnant !

So as i said before, i am pregnant, and it is the most confusing experience ever ! i really need to write tons about it, but at the same time i don’t want to!

Pregnant women feel the thing and its opposite in the same time, so those days i am so angry, so sad, so tired, so happy, so joyful, so loving people and so hating them, yeah this is actually what i always feel.

I always try to avoid to cry, if something is so amazing, i cry, if something is so bad i cry, i am so hungry and so not hungry, i am so sleepy and i am sick of sleeping.

I’m now 31 weeks, so we are counting down !

But i actually don’t believe it, i don’t believe that in 2 months i will push a human being out of my belly, where will i find the strength to do that? how will i do that? how will i be fine after it? there will be a new person, OMG, it is terrifying !

Pregnancy is not all joyful and nice, not at all, it is a hard time that prepares you for a harder time, don’t get me wrong i love my son, so much, but i know it is hard and i am trying to accept it not to deny it.

This is all aside, the people are the hardest thing about this all, really, they make me angry all the time, i don’t know if it is the hormones or it’s them, but i am away from home and i really wanted a baby shower, but i got presents from mum, auntie, my sister, my brother, my cousins and a friend of mine, only those, i believe if i knew a friend who will have her baby alone overseas i would sent her a gift, but they are all not amazing about this, i know i shouldn’t be selfish and think like that, but presents is something amazing for a pregnant woman specially if it is something that she needs and wants.

Also people interfere alot ! they keep saying you gained weight, you lost weight, you look bad, you look weird, you look good, you carry low it should be a girl, no a boy, you shouldn’t or you should eat, every woman or girl you know will try to give you advice, it’s because people are good heartened and want the best but hearing everything and it’s opposite from people will drive a pregnant woman to hell.

Pregnant women have so much hormones, so so much emotions, so the need all the positive cute nice energy you can give them, they don’t need advises because doctors and midwives and here for that and they don’t need people lecturing them, they need positive nice support, that is it !

The worst feeling in the world is that i am gaining weight and Turing into a whale and all people are telling me i look so tired that i will faint now, although i don’t, what should i do? what can i do if my health care people say i am OK? nothing i can do so don’t make me feel bad about myself, not more than i already feel.

Other than the emotional dilemmas and the mood swings i am ok generally, and here in the Netherlands the health care is OK so i am a little bit optimistic about it all, i just wish to find a room in the hospital when i give birth and i really wish for epidural so much.

enough said for now.

Wait for more babbling from the pregnant lady ! 😀 lol